One of my favorite humor sites

[Khyron1144]

Dumbest things ever said.
The underlining didn't show up, but that is a link.

Some high lights from the church bulletin section:
"Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you."
* "Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
* "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
* "O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
* "Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
* "For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
* "Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."
* "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
* "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
* "Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
* "Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."

[Khyron1144]

Stuff from a different section of the site:


"When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results." -- Calvin Coolidge, ex-president, discussing the United States economic situation in 1931.

* "President Carter speaks loudly and carries a fly spotter, a fly swasher -- it's been a long day." -- Gerald Ford

* "If Lincoln was alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." -- Gerald Ford

* "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." -- Gerald Ford

Oh, here comes Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny and Jimmy Smits!" -- Roger Ebert, announcing the arrival of Mel Blanc and Jimmy Smits to the Academy Awards ceremony.

* "...the wind shining, and the sun blowing gently across the fields." -- Ray Laurence

* "An end is in sight to the severe weather shortage." -- Ian Macaskill, BBC weather

* "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--" -- The last words of General John Sedgwick, Union Commander in the Civil War.

* "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?" -- Reverend William Archibald Spooner

[Khyron1144]

Another section of the site.





The following are excerpts from federal employee performance evaluations.

------------------------------------------------------------------------



* "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
* "His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."
* "This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
* "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
* "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
* "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
* "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
* "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
* "This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better we'll be."
* "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
* "This employee should not be allowed to breed."
* "This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together."

[Khyron1144]

Doctors' Comments On Patient Charts:

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."

"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."

"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

"The patient refused an autopsy."

"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."

"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."

"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."

"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."


"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

[drkfirecloud61]

One site I go to when I have nothing else to do is dumb.com It has crap loads of stuff on it. Another site that is okay is prank.org Gives you some ideas. Muhuhahaha!

[Khyron1144]

English Subtitles In Hong Kong Films:

"I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!" -- The Iceman Cometh

"I will kill you until you are dead from it!"

"Just scold Chang as 'Shame-less a*****e' for three times. Then you will free from this kind of suffer forever." -- The Kung Fu Cult Master

"You will not happy ending!" -- The Kung Fu Cult Master

"He started it first!" -- Fong Sai-Yuk II

"The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?" -- Lethal Panther

"I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair!" -- As Tears Go By

"I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way." -- Holy Weapon

"Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep." -- Pedicab Driver

"I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!" -- Pom Pom and Hot Hot

"You are too useless. And now I must beat you."

"Gun wounds again?" -- Rich and Famous

"A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries." -- Brain Theft

"You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken." -- Pedicab Driver

"Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants." -- The Seventh Curse

"Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected." -- Saviour of the Soul

"Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?" -- Armour of God

"You daring lousy guy." -- Satyr Monks

"Beat him out of recognizable shape!" -- Police Story 2

"How can you use my intestines as a gift?" -- The Beheaded 100

"This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat."

[Khyron1144]

"How To Repair Your VCR." -- The title of a how-to video tape.

"Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" -- On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.

"Watch Blow Out" -- A sign outside a jewelry store.

"Ears pierced while you wait." -- A sign in a shop.

"Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" -- A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.

"Please! No walking allowed without membership card." -- A sign in a mall.

"If you can't read or write, phone this number."

"Lunch and Learn Seminar: 'Who's controlling your life?' (get your manager's permission before attending)" -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar.

"Warning: Dangerous Area. No Trespassing Without Permission From Main Office." -- A sign outside a lumber yard in Troy, Idaho.

"Be Kind -- Please Rewind." -- A label on a DVD disc at a rental.

"We are sorry, but these toilets are out of action. Please use floor." -- A sign on a shopping center's restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.

"We expect to return to normal service the soonest time possible. Please check back after that time." -- Part of an automated customer support response message that was sent when a user sent email to technical support about an issue with Hotmail.

"Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00. Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.

"Mon-Fri: 6:30. Sat-Sun: 7:30." -- A sign on a coffee shop in Spokane.

"Saturday: 12 noon to 12pm." -- A sign at a University Center.

"Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.

"Speed Limit 5 Miles per hour" / "No vehicles beyond this point" -- Two signs on the same sign post at a camp site.

"Welcome to the Flippin Church of Christ." -- A sign outside a church in Flippin, Arkansas.

"Eyebrow Free Methodist Church." -- A sign outside a church in Eyebrow, Saskatchewan.

"Please put the toys back when you are threw with them." -- A sign in a thrift store's toy section.

"How do you spell ingnorant? R-O-C-K-E-R" -- A sign held by a Mets fan, referring to Atlanta Brave John Rocker.

[Khyron1144]

From the retaurats section:

"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.

"NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington.

"Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.